Quotes from 2005 Smithee Awards (7):
"We'll shoot together, one at a time." - Death Sport.
"What about my dead wife?"
"She'll still be dead tomorrow."
-from Leprechaun Back in da Hood.
"I can't see it!" -Beowulf, from a man with a solid mask on.
"No matches, but I do have a thermic detinator." -Death Machine
"Was that an explosion?"
"No, Tom just had the taco supreme."
- Hostage Hotel.
"To hell with radiation, let's go." - The Red Planet.
"I forgot I could do that. I should have read my character sheet more closely."
-Alan Smithee of a sudden bad ass attack in a movie.
Adam Savage (6):
I reject your reality and substitute it for my own.
I wouldn't say Jamie is a evil genius. I'm not sure he's evil, and I'm not sure he's a genius
Failure is always an option.
In the spirit of science, there really is no such thing as a "failed experiment." Any test that yields valid data is a valid test.
This is the show. It's like four minutes of science and then ten minutes of me hurting myself.
MythBusters, breaking big things for science.
From "Dead Like Me" (10):
George: I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation beget disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C Equals A, or whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed. Bad people are punished by society's laws, and good people are punished by Murphy's Law. So you see my dilemma.
[Mason is telling Roxie why she can't be nice]
Mason: Because you're an ornery bitch who eats puppy dogs for breakfast.
Mason: But am I pretty?
Rube: Oh, you're darling. You make my heart flutter.
Roxy: [to Mason who is curled up on a bench at the diner and looking out the window] What's wrong with you?
[Mason blinks in her direction, eyes bloodshot]
Roxy: Are you stoned?
Mason: [looking very pale and sickly] I've got illegals in my bottom...
[referring to the bag of cocaine that broke in his rectum at the airport]
Roxy: [looking at Mason shaking her head] Why do you do this to yourself?
Mason: [hand on his forehead whimpering] I don't know.
Mason: I'm so smart i'm practically retarded!
Mason: Rube is so old, he probably reaped Jesus!
Mason: "It landed on my wank. My wank is the key."
Mason: "Monotony is the mind killer."
George: "Do you have any crackers?"
Roxy: "You mean besides you?"
Rube: "I'm going on vacation, which means I'll be back tomorrow morning. So don't fuck anything up. And by fucking things up, I mean Mason."
Mason: "Why do you assume I'd fuck up?"
Rube: "Because you're a fuck up!"
Whose Line Is It Anyway (59):
From the episode of Ryan breaking the glass on Drew's Desk:
Ryan: "I seem to be stuck here." (on collin)
Kathy: "Can I help you at all?"
Ryan: "Is this shag? It's just gorgeous! Just a wonderful feel."
Kathy: "There's nothing worse than having a depressed Carol Channing at your party."
Ryan: "No.. whoa....." *hits glass on desk, glass breaks.*
*audience and cast gasp*
Kathy: "Are you okay?"
Ryan: "I'm fine."
Drew: "Oh my god, are you okay?"
Ryan: "Yes. I'm fine, it's okay."
*Drew falls to knees laughing.*
Ryan: "You wouldn't have a suture around the house, would you?"
Kathy: "Yes, I actually do right here."
Ryan (to Drew): "Stop picking the glass from my hair."
Kathy: "Carol? It is Carol?"
Ryan: "I used to be. I can't remember anymore. Tell me, am I bleeding?"
Drew: "No, no. You're okay."
Kathy: "You're not bleeding."
Ryan: "I can't get off this because my..."
Drew: "Because his what keeps sticking to things?"
Ryan: "Don't make me run into anything else."
Drew: "It's Carol Channing who's..."
Kathy: "Drunk as a skunk?"
Ryan: "No!"
Drew: "Hey, its always funny when it happens to someone else."
Drew: "Man, you went all out on that one."
Ryan: "There'd better be some extra points in there for this."
Drew: "Sorry, we spent all the points replacing the glass!"
Ryan: "Was that lit?"
Collin: "Oh yeah, it was. It would've been better had your head burst into flames."
Drew: "How many fingers am I holding up?" *Goes from 2 to 3 to 2 to 1 quickly*
Ryan: "Four?"
Drew: "Eh, close enough."
Ryan: "How about me?" *gives Drew the finger*
Random Episodes:
Drew: "Ryan is a princess. It's either that, or your Mormon. Take it away."
Ryan Stiles : [to Colin Mochrie] Watch the Drew Carey Show Wednesdays at 9. Wait... there's more. Give the tall guy more lines.
Colin Mochrie : I let him think for a while 'cause I knew he had the answer. I knew it was a good answer, and he was going to tell it to me. 'Cause when you ask a question, you expect an answer. That's the way it works... question, answer, answer, question. If he gave the answer, I'd have to come up with the question. That would be Jeopardy. That's wrong.
Drew Carey : That's right the points are like if N'sync and the Backstreet Boys traded guys. It doesn't matter.
Drew Carey : So if you want to be on "Whose Line it is Anyway?" send a naked Polaroid of yourself to the care of 'Whose Line' Po Box: 175.
Chip Esten : That's how I got on.
[Scenes from a Hat: What "Whose Line" Cast Members Wish for, when blowing out their "B"-Day Candles]
Wayne Brady : [Blows] No more Hoedowns.
Colin Mochrie : [Blows] Let me play a*Man in a scene.
Ryan Stiles : [Blows] Please, don't have Drew make me go under that desk again.
Drew Carey : Trying to look cool while doing uncool things.
[Wayne walks out and imitates pressing the buzzer]
Brad Sherwood : That's what you get for river dancing in a thong.
Colin Mochrie : It's me, Run-Away-From-Danger Man.
Ryan Stiles : Did someone call for Captain Pork?
Colin Mochrie : I'll be your lightning rod of hate.
Colin Mochrie : I'm fine, Drew, I seem to have lost my battery pack somewhere in the area of my buttocks. It's okay, my pack is halfway up my ass...
Colin Mochrie : To quote Rodgers and Hammerstein, "The hills are alive with the sounds of crap".
Drew Carey : Things in Drew Carey's planner.
Wayne Brady : 7:00: count my money. 8:00: count my money.
Ryan Stiles : We have 53 songs on one CD and it's this big.
[Spreads hands apart]
Ryan Stiles : And it's made of chocolate. I had a few drinks tonight
[after being kissed by Ryan]
Colin Mochrie : I can't wait to get home to my wife.
Colin Mochrie : [playing impossible mission] I thought we were out of the spy buisiness?
Ryan Stiles : We're never out of the spy buisiness, Colin, not as long as tapes keep coming to the door.
Greg Proops : How would you like to make money in Real Estate?
[Ryan fast forewards]
Greg Proops : Good morning, gentlemen.
Colin Mochrie : Good morning.
Greg Proops : How are you today?
Colin Mochrie : Fine.
Ryan Stiles : How's your cold, Ryan?
Ryan Stiles : It's cleared up.
Greg Proops : Well all right then...
Colin Mochrie : Like what am I, nothing?
Greg Proops : I'd love to chat but I'm busy being on the...
[Colin fast forewards]
Greg Proops : Today's mission is of the greatest importance. The Meer of Grufunkastan, a small Middle Eastern Nation is coming to visit the President. He'll be arriving in Washington D.C., however, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your mission is to go to his hotel, The George C. Clark hotel, you don't know it nevermind, and clean a new bernoose for the Meer of Grufunkastan. This tape will self destruct as soon as you throw it out the...
[Ryan throws it out the window]
Greg Proops : BOOM!
Ryan Stiles : Thank God we picked window!
Colin Mochrie : Yes. Well, we've got a mission lets get to it.
[dramatic music]
Ryan Stiles : I can't remember where the hotel is you got your Thomas Guide? E5 it's gonna be tough. Oh my God, my car's in the shop.
Colin Mochrie : Well, luckily they've marked every street and town with big numbers and letters.
Ryan Stiles : Wait a minute we're at E4 already.
Colin Mochrie : Quick, E5.
Ryan Stiles : I didn't know we lived so close to the hotel.
Colin Mochrie : No kidding, we only look out the windows to throw burning tapes.
Ryan Stiles : [Meer of Grufunkastan - Impossible Mission] We can't go in the front door, they'll spot us.
Colin Mochrie : Yes, we must climb up through that window up there that seems impossibly high.
Ryan Stiles : We've got nothing to get up there with, I didn't bring any rope.
Colin Mochrie : Wait, your hair. You know with one long strand.
Ryan Stiles : You said you'd never mention that again.
Colin Mochrie : Reel us up.
Ryan Stiles : [as they're going up] By the way I love you.
Colin Mochrie : Stop it!
Ryan Stiles : Patio doors locked. There's people inside. We're gonna have to make a diversion so they come out and I can sneak in and get the garment.
Colin Mochrie : FIRE!
Colin Mochrie : That was easy. Now what was it?
Colin Mochrie : A burnoose.
Ryan Stiles : Any idea what it look like?
Colin Mochrie : Like... a burnoose. There it is.
Ryan Stiles : Here's one. We've gotta find some way to clean it. We can't go down stairs... the bath tub. We'll fill the bathtub up with water.
Colin Mochrie : Wait, the faucet's rigged!
Ryan Stiles : What?
Colin Mochrie : The faucet's rigged!
Ryan Stiles : In what way?
Colin Mochrie : With an explosive! How long have you been a spy?
Ryan Stiles : I didn't see that! I guess they really don't want people taking baths in here.
Colin Mochrie : Why don't we just take the faucet off and flush it.
Ryan Stiles : How's that gonna work? BOOM. Oh, stand back it's filled up the tub!
Colin Mochrie : Perfect!
Ryan Stiles : [Meer of Grufunkastan - Impossible Mission] We're gonna need some type of detergent.
Colin Mochrie : Detergent, Detergent... the cat! No that's no good!
Ryan Stiles : Wait a minute, bars of soap there's nothing but bars of soap. But where gonna have to agitate it in some way.
Colin Mochrie : [Colin gets in the tub] Give me the beans.
Ryan Stiles : It's working! It's clean!
Colin Mochrie : It's taking to long! The Snackipark of Imar will be hear.
Ryan Stiles : We've gotta dry it ourselves... what?
[Ryan begins hysterically laughing]
Colin Mochrie : The cat!
Ryan Stiles : The cat, stop it with the cat...
[Ryan is hysterically laughing again]
Colin Mochrie : It's clean. Bring me some fabric softener.
Ryan Stiles : [through laughing fits] Fabric softener?
Colin Mochrie : Well, you can't have static cling. The burnoose will stick to it's thing! The cat!
[Ryan's laughing hysterically]
Colin Mochrie : Is anyone coming?
Ryan Stiles : [laughing] No.
Colin Mochrie : It's perfect, it's perfect
Ryan Stiles : Good!
Colin Mochrie : You better model it!
Ryan Stiles : Oh, it fell in the water again! The cat!
Colin Mochrie : The cat's wet now!
Colin Mochrie : Wait, give me a match!
[lights the burnoose on fire]
Colin Mochrie : Oh, man!
Colin Mochrie : It's ok I have an extra burnoose!
Ryan Stiles : [buzzer] I can't stop laughing!
Ryan Stiles : I'd like to give you the weather for the next 50 years. Sun in L.A., rain in Seattle.
Drew Carey : [to Ryan] That was Ringling Bros. they want their shoes back.
[interviewing Santa]
Brad Sherwood : What about all of you animal friends?
Colin Mochrie : Animal friends are just there to be animal friends, if they can't handle being a carpet.
[the audience gasps]
Colin Mochrie : I may have said too much.
Colin Mochrie : I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "All the world's a stage, and you're crap!"
[after Chip jumped on Ryan's back during a sketch]
Drew Carey : What were you saying?
Ryan Stiles : Actually, I was saying "Get the fuck off! Get the fuck off!" I don't know if we can air that, but that's what I was saying.
Drew Carey : Say it again... I don't think they heard you.
Greg Proops : Really? Maybe it's because I have a fucking rabbit mask over my face.
Drew Carey : "Things you shouldn't do to a bald person".
Wayne Brady : No...
Colin Mochrie : Oh, go ahead. It's for comedy.
Drew Carey : Wayne, you are looking for a virgin to sacrifice to appease the gods. Don't come near me.
Drew Carey : "Strange things for a doctor to say after 'Turn your head and cough'".
Colin Mochrie : All right, now bend over and sneeze.
Drew Carey : [giving hints to Greg that the answer for Colin's "party quirk" includes gravity] What holds you to the Earth?
Greg Proops : Why, my love for you, Drew.
Drew Carey : [playing "scenes from a hat"] Things heard on Hell's P.A. system.
Ryan Stiles : Attention, will the owner of a Pinto, license plate number...
Drew Carey : Now let's go on to a game called "African Chant". As we know, Africa's a big country...
[Greg starts laughing]
Greg Proops : Or a *continent*, if you're a geographer.
Colin Mochrie : One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff is the stuff that I really, really love.
Ryan Stiles : It was good stuff!
Colin Mochrie : Let's not say "stuff" anymore.
Ryan Stiles : Okay!
Ryan Stiles : How much would you pay for a 5-CD set like this? Or even a 50-CD set like this?
Colin Mochrie : Why, I'd pay up to $50,000... but I'm an idiot!
Ryan Stiles : And you're from Canada, so with the exchange...
Colin Mochrie : I'm still an idiot!
Colin Mochrie : The Beatles! Rolling Stones! Barbra Streisand! Bruce Springsteen! These are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.
Ryan Stiles : Hey, Colin.
Colin Mochrie : What, Ryan?
Ryan Stiles : How much money would you pay for a 2-CD set like this?
Colin Mochrie : Oh, I don't know... 39 dollars?
Ryan Stiles : [angrily] Unfortunately, it's $69.95.
Colin Mochrie : [hastily recovering] But I was talking $39.00 in a foreign currency that doesn't quite...
Colin Mochrie : [during 'Narrate'] He had a face only a mother could love... if she was blind in one eye and had that sorta milky film over the other. But still, he was my identical twin brother.
Richard Simmons : [during a game of Living Scenery] I'll be all the props for these men!
Colin Mochrie : [using people as objects] I'm gonna use the giant tea pot we brought.
Ryan Stiles : Really.
Colin Mochrie : Don't ask me.
Drew Carey : What penguins are really thinking?
Wayne Brady : Does this tux make me look fat?
Ryan Stiles : Geez... it's cold!
Colin Mochrie : One day I'll get that Batman!
Drew Carey : Ryan "Anything for Laughs" Stiles.
Ryan Stiles : That's how I got the job in the other show, remember?
Drew Carey : A lot of people forget that on the Drew Carey show, Ryan and I have been totally naked.
Ryan Stiles : Of course, some of us needed a wide ankle lens.
Drew Carey : And some of us needed a zoom.
Drew Carey : The next game is called African Chant. Wayne will do the chant.
Wayne Brady : Hey, how come I gotta do the African Chant?
Brad Sherwood : [during the dating show game] Wayne was either the Wicked Witch of the West, or Barbara Bush.
Drew Carey : [for Scenes from a Hat]
[pause]
Drew Carey : Lines from Drew Carey's diary.
Ryan Stiles : "Dear Diary, Ryan looked at me again today... how I wish that I could - "
[buzzer]
Ryan Stiles : "Dear Diary, when will people find out I'm not a man?"
[buzzer]
Drew Carey : What our audience is thinking.
Ryan Stiles : ...I wonder if that's all true?
[buzzer]
Ryan Stiles : [laughter]
Colin Mochrie : You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories.
Ryan Stiles : [during Sound Effects] I'll distract them by making a noise like a duck!
Two women from the audience: Quack quack quack quack quack!
Ryan Stiles : Yeah, that wasn't just one duck, that was a whole flock of ducks!
Colin Mochrie : Okay. Then, I'll make a noise like an elephant!
Two women from the audience: Quack quack quack quack quack!
[laughter from the audience and Drew Carey]
Ryan Stiles: [during Beach hoedown; last lines] The water was colder than I feared... and that was the day that my penis disappeared!
Drew Carey: Let me tell you about Wayne, Colin, and Ryan's... and Brad's newest movie, they all have a movie coming out, it's a combination of Coyote Ugly, Scary Movie, and X-Men. It's called 'It's Scary How Ugly Those Men Are'.
Colin Mochrie: [at the desk] Bad pick-up lines.
Drew Carey: Hey, wanna see a picture of my penis?
[buzzer]
Ryan Stiles: Hey, wanna see a picture of Drew Carey's penis?
[buzzer]
Drew Carey : [playing "Scenes From A Hat"] Strange items to ask a neighbor to borrow.
Colin Mochrie : Hi, I need some monkey testicles and a cola.
[Songs you wouldn't want to hear in prison]
Wayne Brady : [singing] So who's the slightly effeminate one, that's me...
Brad Sherwood : [singing] Who dropped the soap... who dropped the soap...
Ryan Stiles : [singing] Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall...
Colin Mochrie : [singing] With the wig... you remind me... of Julia...
[referring to a previous scene where Ryan kissed Colin on the top of his head while Colin's eyes were closed]
Ryan Stiles : I said to Colin
[pauses for audience to quiet down]
Ryan Stiles : I said to Colin, did you know that was me? He goes, yeah. I go, how did you know? He goes, I know your lips.
Greg Proops : [playing Bad Dating Service Videos] I have a fish head on. I'm fucking 42 years old.
Drew Carey : Boy, Wayne sure has a tickly butt, huh?
